Complicated
by Jammydoughnuter
Summary: Rachel is confused about her relationship with Chris and the way her memories of Eddie keep getting in the way, RHRIS AND REDDIE
1. Chapter 1

She looked at him in shock and felt her mouth drop and hit the floor. Did he really just say that, is he drunk or does he actually mean it. She registered the look on his face and smiled at him.

_'I think I've had a bit to much to drink'_

There it was, he wasn't serious, he's just drunk. The euphoria rushing through her when he had said it, immediately vanished and was replaced by longing, longing for somebody to love her. He was sweet though and a good person so she reassured him,

_'I think we both have'_

And then looked away as the atmosphere became awkward. She had been flattered when he had stood up to Max and defended her, it had reminded her of Eddie, the time that he had punched Stuart, her heart began to ache with the memory, it hurt to think about Eddie.

_'On a scale of 1 - 10 how drunk would you say you are?' _he asked

She looked at him, so he wasn't just drunk, he actually did like her, her stomach did a somersault, and then her mind took over, this shouldn't happen, we're both drunk and not thinking straight, what about the gossip, Steph would be the one to spread it around. It was wrong, and she didn't want to hurt him, not while she was still hurting.

_'I'm sober enough to know that it wouldn't be a good idea'_

He looked away and she looked at the floor. His eyes glanced at hers and they looked at each other for only a moment. The next thing Rachel knew she was following Chris into an awaiting taxi.

_'Your place or mine?' _came the question

Without hesitating she replied

_'Yours is closer'_

They made eye contact and all of a sudden they were kissing, like teenagers in the back of a black cab. She smiled through the kiss. She needed this, she needed to feel loved. She wanted someone to look at her with euphoric emotions,..... the same way that she had looked at Eddie. Her smile faded and the kiss ended. She leant against him in the cab and gazed blankly out of the window her mind filled with endless memories of the man she still loved. This was wrong, it shouldn't happen. But she wanted it to....


	2. Chapter 2

Her eyes drifted open, she blinked and lifted her arm to shield her face from the glare coming through the gap in the curtains. She sat up. Rachel groaned. The pain in her head was unbearable. Holding her head in her hands she tried to remember what had happened. The last thing she remembered clearly was Max being punched by Chris. She smiled. For Chris to stand up for her like that had made her feel, well, wanted. Suddenly there was a quiet snuffling sound next to her, she turned her head and saw the back of his, she gasped. Then she remembered.

Rachel moaned and got out of bed. The hangover was coming along nicely, she was wearing a shirt that she assumed must be Chris'. Her clothes were strewn across the floor and her boots were lying next to the mirror. She picked up her clothes and boots and went into the bathroom.  
It was white and blue, clean and organised. She smiled, Chris was unlike any other man she knew, yet he still reminded her of Eddie. Again at the thought of him her face fell and her heart ached. She missed him so much but he had hurt her. She had to get over him. Quietly and quickly she dressed so as not to wake Chris. She borrowed his toothpaste and toothbrush to clean her teeth and splashed her face with water. She folded the shirt she had taken off and laid it on the washing basket, then turned to face the mirror. she looked relatively normal, but as she looked at her eyes she saw that there was a loneliness that she knew only one person could remove.

She went back into the bedroom to retrieve her boots, he was sitting up in bed, smiling at her. She gazed at him, the bed head look suited him, and he was very attractive but he wasn't the one she wanted. But he did seem to love her, or was it just lust? Was he now satisfied or did he still want her?

_'Morning' _His voice was light and happy

Rachel smiled back at him

_'I have to go'_

Chris' face fell.

_'Ok'_

Rachel looked at him curiously, no questions? No, _where are you going? _or _why?_  
She sat on the end of her bed and zipped up her boots, wondering what was going through his mind right now. He came and sat next to her and put his arm around her. She breathed in his morning smell, it was musty and smelt slightly like vanilla. Eddie always smelt of stale aftershave in the mornings. Her heart jumped again at the thought of him and her eyes began to fill up with tears.

_'Bye Chris'_

He gazed at her sadly

_'See you Rachel' _his voice was soft and resigned

It wasn't far back to the pub and Rachel gratefully breathed in the morning air, blinking rapidly to remove the tears and trying to clear her head, not just from the hangover which had taken full effect by now but from the confusion that manipulated her emotions. The frost had settled over the pavement and it glitter in the early morning sunshine. By the time she reached the pub her mind was full of how to make the merger work.  
However the minute she sat in her car, she burst into tears. She really missed Eddie and although they had split up she still felt she had betrayed him by sleeping with Chris. The tears came fast and smoothly, before long her skirt was littered with damp teardrop shaped patches. She was jolted from the deep, dark dangerous world that is love by her mobile, it was Kim. She rejected the call and sat drying her tears on her sleeve.


	3. Chapter 3

Rachel woke up, the early morning gloom was still in a thick layer over the garden and the mist had caught on the window to produce a layer of condensation. She reached over and turned her radio on then got up to face the mirror. It had been a month since she'd seen anybody from waterloo Road excluding family members and she was unsure of what was going on between her and Chris, due to her emotional confusion she had made the assumption that it was up to her where they went with the relationship if she decided that she wanted one. This was all merely speculation though, she didn't know how Chris felt.

Her alarm clock went off on the table next to her radio, she, once again, had beaten it. She sighed and switched it off , it was 6:30, then she paused to listen to the usual jumble of banter blaring out of her radio, curtesy of the Chris Moyle's show, she smiled. Downstairs was dark, she flicked a switch to remove the common murkiness and glanced around her home before making herself a coffee.

By 7:15 Rachel was in her car and on the way to work. Her sleeping patterns had been rapidly deteriorating recently, she had a vague idea why. Rachel presumed that her guilt from sleeping with Chris had plunged her deeper into emotional turmoil. She pulled into the car park and waited in her car, as usual she was one of the first here, in the old days Eddie would have been in for at least 5 minutes, she felt her heart twinge, she had to forget Eddie it wasn't fair on her to feel this pain whenever she thought about him. Rachel checked her eyes in the mirror, they seemed normal, at least she didn't look as though she was about to cry. She recognised Joyce's car and smiled, putting Eddie out of her mind, she often wondered if Joyce had taken up permanent residence at the school. In one movement she was out of her car and walking briskly towards her school, casually pointing her keys over her shoulder and hearing the familiar bleep of her Mazda.

As Rachel had presumed Joyce was sitting at her desk preparing for the day, Rachel paused momentarily to say good Morning and then went into her office to dump her stuff before returning and removing the plaque with Max Tyler's name on from her door, she stood back and smiled, this was the closure she had wanted, now Max was officially gone! She walked back into her office and sat down, dumping the plaque in the bin on the way. She had a meeting with Jennifer Hedley from the LEA this morning and could do without her emotions playing havoc with her mind.


	4. Chapter 4

Outside she began to hear familiar sound of children arriving to school. Bolton's voice occasionally raised above others and Michaela and Amy having an argument. Rachel went to stand by the window. No violence so far, a good sign. The girl gangs had seemed to have vanished which was good. Rachel smiled at the atmosphere outside, even though it was freezing the kids still found stuff to be happy about. Rachel sighed,

_'Once more unto the breach'_

she thought to herself. Rachel rose from her chair and checked her reflection in the mirror before walking outside to face the throng of students and teachers coming towards the front doors of the school. Walking down the corridors, teachers and students nodding at her as she passed them. She was dreading this, facing them in the staff room, the gossip and speculation that there was bound to be and of course the awkwardness and uncertainty between herself and Chris. Rachel took a deep breath and opened the door to the staff room.

Steph looked up as she entered as did Jo. She smiled at them and scanned the room as Steph smiled back knowingly, Grantly was reading the racing post, Ruby was in the 'kitchen' making coffee, Steph was sitting next to Jo both chatting and reading some sort of fashion magazine. Kim obviously hadn't arrived yet however in the corner were Chris and Tom, deep in conversation, Rachel's breath caught, did Chris realise he was sitting in Eddies chair? of course he didn't, he didn't even know Eddie,

_'Stop being so silly Rachel' _she told herself '_Start behaving like a mature adult and put _him _out of your mind'_

Tom caught her eye and nodded. Chris noticed Tom's momentary distraction and looked up at her, he immediately withdrew his gaze and became absorbed in whatever Tom was saying. Rachel nodded to herself and went to check Kim's office.

The door to the pastoral office was shut and the blinds drawn but there were noises inside. Rachel took a deep breath and opened the door. Kim was rummaging around in a cupboard beside her desk. Rachel shut the door silently and went to sit on the sofa opposite the desk. Kim was her friend, she needed to tell her. Rachel chewed her lip, she didn't like revealing her feelings, it made her feel vulnerable. But she needed advice. Slowly she cleared her throat and waited for Kim to turn around.


	5. Chapter 5

Rachel watched as Kim's back stiffened and slowly she turned to face Rachel sitting on the sofa.

_'Rachel!'_

Kim walked over to the sofa and sat down next to her friend. Rachel didn't know what to say, she wasn't good at sharing emotions, she never had been. But she'd psyched herself up to do this so she had to go ahead with it didn't she?

_'Hey Kim'_

Rachel smiled at her. Kim's face was curious, she knew something was up, with stuff like this Kim could read her like a book. Rachel panicked, what should she do? Should she let all of her complicated emotions out to her friend or should she bottle them up as she always did? It had always worked before.

_'Just came to say Welcome Back'_

Kim looked at her face

_'Rachel........?'_

Rachel stood up hastily, she couldn't do this, for one she had no idea what to say or how to say it. How could she explain to Kim her cocktail of feelings for both Eddie and Chris? She didn't really understand it herself. So how on earth was she supposed to explain it to somebody else? She had to get out of this, she had to go before she did something or said something she would regret.

_'I'll see you later Kim. I've got stuff to do'_

Before Kim could say another word Rachel was out of the door and had started down the corridor heading to her office to prepare what she was going to say in the welcome back assembly and to organise a meeting for heads of department to discuss ideas and plans. She sighed she would have to have Chris at the meeting. And Kim. This was going to be so much fun.


	6. Chapter 6

Rachel collapsed into her chair. She leant back into the padded back, closed her eyes and let out a long sigh. She could hear the typical chatter coming from the classrooms closest to her office. Rachel opened her eyes and smiled to herself. She checked her watch. 10 minutes until assembly. The first assembly back was by far the easiest; just a quick welcome back and wish them a good term with good results for the exams and of course some encouragement.

The bell went and Rachel heaved herself out of her comfy chair and strolled out of her office towards the assembly hall, ferrying the usual random groups of kids as she went. Rachel made her way towards the stage and stood in front of the microphone facing her school. She smiled, and scanned the crowd waiting for them to be quiet, Chris wasn't making eye contact and was staring at the wall behind her, she sighed softly to herself.

_'Welcome Back everyone, I hope you all had a fantastic half term, I know I did.'_

She smiled at them before continuing, Chris still avoiding her eyes. Steph had that annoying look on her face again and Kim was still looking at her curiously.

_'However Christmas is over now and I expect you all to settle down and put your full effort into your studies. Yr 11 especially as you have exams coming in only a few months._

_'As you all know Mr Tyler has now left us after the......'_

Rachel stopped for a second to think what to say. She could say anything horrible about him to them no matter how much she despised the man. She gathered her thoughts and continued,

_'unfortunate event that took place. However business will be resumed as normal, I hope you all have a wonderful term, Now go on to your classes'_

With a smooth motion everyone rose and made their way towards the doors and on to their lessons. Teachers sheparding them as they went. Rachel made her way down the steps and back onto the wooden floor.

_'Kim'_

Kim turned and looked at Rachel before making her way back towards the stage, eyebrows raised.

_'Heads of Department meeting in 15 minutes, My office'_

Before Kim could answer Rachel had gone past her and through the doors back towards her office. Now Chris would have to look at her, she didn't know why it upset her that Chris wouldn't look at her. He's behaving like a child, she thought to herself, why won't he look at me?


	7. Chapter 7

Rachel walked into her office and immediately got everything she would need for the meeting ready, frustration was getting to her; Chris was ignoring her and Eddie would not get out of her head. AND there was a single stray hair from her fringe that kept tickling her nose and making her have to itch it every 5 seconds! Rachel slammed her papers on the desk and let out a shakey sob, Why did everything in her life always go wrong!!? She collapsed into her chair and held her head in her hands. Silent tears were rolling down her cheeks and dripping off the end of her chin, then falling onto her papers, she brushed them away with the end of her sleeve so as not to make the mascara stains, that she assumed were there, even worse. She opened a draw in her desk and removed a packet of makeup wipes, picked one out and rubbed it over her cheeks, she produced a mascara wand and a mirror from her bag and studied her face before touching up her mascara. Rachel sighed, deposited her makeup back into her bag and picked up her papers. She had to get this sorted. She had to get her head in gear!

Footsteps were approaching, footsteps she knew, Rachel closed her eyes, what on earth was she going to say? How could she let all of this out? She couldn't let all of her emotions out to people! It wasn't easy for her, to Rachel that was the hardest thing in the world!!! Rachel was worried because she knew the owner of the heeled sandals and the familiar, purposeful march: Kim. Rachel sat up straight and composed herself, she took a deep breath as Kim knocked on the door.

_'Come in'_

Her voice _sounded _normal, but she knew that Kim could tell what was wrong from the slightest falter, or waver, or even just the tone of her voice. It was one of her more annoying 'skills'. Kim entered the room and stood next to the sofa in front of Rachel's desk.

_'Do you want to tell me what's wrong Rachel?'_

Rachel looked at Kim and exhaled slowly before chewing her bottom lip, she glanced at the ceiling briefly before taking a deep breath

_'I slept with Chris'_

Kim didn't react. She looked at Rachel before saying

_'Steph was right then!'_

Rachel gave Kim a startled look, then sighed, she should have guessed that Steph would have picked up on that. She was always on a gossip hunt. It had probably been spread around the staff room and blown completely out of proportion. She looked at Kim wanting to know exactly what Steph had said but not wanting to ask

_'She guessed that there was something between you two. She said that you left the pub together after Chris punched Max for you'_

Rachel smiled slightly at the memory, reliving it all over again, then the memory was gone in a instant and replaced by a face and a similar memory, the smile faded as pain pulled at her heart strings once again, and Rachel nodded slowly to indicate that what Steph had said was true. Then it all came out in a sob.

_'Kim, Chris is ignoring me'_

Rachel paused and closed her eys and turned her head to her desk before adding quietly in an almost inaudible whisper

_'I can't get Eddie out of my head'_

Kim opened her mouth to comfort her friend when the office door opened and Tom and Jo entered the room with Chris


	8. Chapter 8

Rachel smiled bravely as the others entered the room, pushing her emotions back into the jumbled up pile of emotional confusion that made up her soul; Jo and Tom smiled back at her and Kim and took their places at the table before continuing their conversation, Kim and Rachel shared a look of understanding as Chris nodded at Kim and openly refused to make eye contact with Rachel, before joining the other two in his accustomed place at the small circular table. Rachel shut her eyes and exhaled sharply and silently out of her nose. She stood up, tall and composed, hiding her true self away from the world. Kim watched her, her dark eyes full of concern but also rose and made her way towards the others. Together they walked to the table and sat in the two remaining places. Jo sat between Tom and Rachel, then there was Chris and then finally Kim. Throughout the entire time they were sitting at that tiny circular table the tension between Rachel and Chris was unbearable, Rachel was sure that the others felt it, no matter how hard she tried to disguise it and brush it away. Her mind kicked in and blocked out the discussion going on around her, his behaviour was childish, and stupid! All she had done was left his house to get her head straight and then not seen him for a few weeks that's all! It's not like he had made any effort to get in contact with her. Rachel made up her mind to speak to Chris after the meeting and sort this entire mess out! She realised that nobody was speaking and everyone was looking at her expectantly, fortunately she had managed to catch snippets of the conversation. The meeting was over.

_'Well that's all, unless anybody else has anything they'd like to add?'_

Everyone shook their heads, then took their cue from Kim and rose in a simultaneous movement and began to head towards the door, Chris in front leading the way determinedly and purposefully trying to get out of the room leaving Kim to bring up the rear of the party but she walked slowly, holding back.

_'Chris? Can I have word please?'_

Chris stopped in the doorway, sighed, his shoulders falling, then turned on his heel and retreated back into the room with a defeated but resilient look set firmly on his face. Kim ushered the others out of the room before giving Rachel an encouraging smile and shutting the office door behind her. Chris stood facing Rachel in the middle of the room. They held eye contact for a minute without speaking. Rachel's breathing was shallow and quick, it came in small bursts that made her heart and stomach jolt.

_'What's wrong Chris?'_

She supposed that she really shouldn't have been taken aback by his exasperated expression. But she really didn't know how he was going to react. Now she thought about it, Rachel didn't really know Christopher Mead at all. With Eddie she had been at the school working with him for at least a year before they got together, yes, admittedly there was always something between them but it had still taken them ages before they realised each others feelings.

_'What's wrong?'_

Chris' voice was flat and contemplative, his face scared her, it wasn't angry or fierce, just disappointed and, she studied it closer, was that? It was. A hint of resignation.

_'Rachel you sleep with me and then leave first thing in the morning without giving me a reason, then you don't bother to get in touch for 4 weeks! And you ask me what's wrong?????!!!!!'_

His voice had risen slightly but not enough that he was shouting at her, it made her uneasy, she had so much history, so much in her head, so much he didn't know or understand. She went to sit behind her desk, collapsed into her chair and held her head in her hands. Did she tell him about Eddie, or would that make things worse? She didn't know what to say to him. Oh My God! Rachel thought, Is he my rebound? She liked Chris to much to hurt him but she wasn't sure if she loved him, however there was defiantly some hint of lust, both of them could feel it, they had felt it that night!

_'I think you should sit down Chris, I have a lot to tell you!'_


	9. Chapter 9

20 minutes later Chris left her office dazed.

_That was probably not the best way to start the day _thought Rachel. It did feel good to pour all of her emotions out, while she was talking to him Rachel had felt secure, like a caterpillar in a cocoon, it was an unusual sensation for her and she had like it at the time. Chris had been very understanding, he was prepared to wait for her to sort herself out, Rachel knew that being with her involved a lot of excess baggage that she would never be able to get rid of entirely. Yes, at the time it was safe and it felt lovely, but now Rachel felt vulnerable and exposed. This was the reason she never let her emotions leave her, this was why they were buried deep down inside her. this feeling of defencelessness and fragility scared her, as Max had said, playing the victim didn't suit her, being weak just wasn't Rachel Mason.

Rachel walked to her window and watched the few late arrivals running towards the front door, desperate to get to their lessons before they were missed. Rachel watched their bags swinging next to them, she remembered those days, turning up late with Melissa in tow, satchel swaying with her every movement, arriving early, anything to get out of the house and away from home. Childhood had not been her happiest time.

Paperwork beckoned. The already vast pile was building the longer she left it, it was already the size of Mount Everest. At that moment Joyce entered the room and placed another file on to the top of the pile, she smiled apologetically at Rachel as she closed the door behind her as she left the room. Rachel grabbed her biro and picked up the colossal file that Joyce had bought her and began. If she started now she may get it done within the next decade.

Rachel worked continuously with no distraction for 3 hours. No distractions meant no major problems, which meant a successful first day back. So far anyway. It also meant her teachers were coping, another good sign. Rachel finished working on the file she had reached and glanced at the clock wistfully. 12:30, Rachel hadn't even heard the bell go for lunch. She wondered how she could have missed both that and the sound of the children outside, arguing, playing and shouting. Rachel leant back in her chair and listened. The peace and harmony of her slumber interrupted by her stomach. She smiled and stood. One thought in her head, Food.

The canteen was full, as usual. Teachers on the 'teachers table' and children avoiding sitting at it, even though at least 2/3rds of it were not being used and the canteen was struggling for space. Absentmindedly Rachel grabbed a tray and got a plateful of a tomatoey pasta with some sort of herb on the top. Smiling at Rose and making polite comments to the children that surrounded her Rachel moved towards the 'teachers table'. She placed her tray down and sat down next to Ruby. Steph, Grantly, Jo and Ruby were in deep conversation but all smiled at Rachel as she sat down. This immediately put Rachel on edge. She had expected Ruby and Steph to turn their noses up at her and Grantly to be uninterested or make some snide comment. The only friendly face she expected was Jo's. She smiled back, cautiously and took a mouthful of pasta before joining their conversation.

_'So anyway, I saw him the other day and he seemed fine, but there was something about him. You know when something's wrong, when you can feel it?' _Steph was saying.

_'Probably left her' _Grantly replied a disinterested look glued to his face, cheese hanging casually out of the side of his mouth, _'He left his last wife and then got her pregnant'_

Jo squirmed in her seat, taking small sharp looks at Rachel every two seconds, something was bugging her. She didn't want to be here. Rachel felt a sinking feeling in her stomach and her eyes widened as she put two and two together and realised what they were talking about. There was still a chance though, it might not be. Maybe putting two and two together had given her five? Surely they wouldn't talk about this in front of her.

_'I still think that's awful' _remarked Ruby, twisting her spaghetti elegantly around her fork _'How could she do that to her? No wonder she has seemed so strange, especially after...'_

_'Who are we talking about?' _

Rachel demanded firmly but the curiosity and horror in her voice were evident, these descriptions reminded her terribly of a certain somebody that she didn't want to remember.

All eyes then refused to make contact with hers and her suspicions were confirmed by the guilty expressions on every face.


End file.
